Sorrow

One month ago, my father-in-law died very suddenly and unexpectedly.  We have been consumed by a grip of grief that feels like a cloud over our lives.

It is very hard to see Goodness and Mercy in the midst of overwhelming sadness.  All I can really feel is pain, and other feelings somehow seem dimmed.  On days when I should be happy and joyful, I feel guilty and sad.  It’s really hard to see how anyone recovers from this.  How do you go on about your life and feel happy again?  How do you get through a day without succumbing to the sorrow?

One moment at a time.

That’s what I’m beginning to learn.  At first, it was a very literal moment.  “Okay, I need to get out of bed now.”  “Now let’s walk to the bathroom.”  And so on, throughout the day.  Now, it seems to be, okay, let’s get through this cycle of sadness and then go on about our activity.  Sometimes it happens several times a day.  Sometimes it just hits me like a wall of bricks and knocks me on my back for a few minutes.  Those are the hardest to deal with.  Those are the times when I want to be able to shut out the world.  I can’t understand why the whole world has continued to move on, when I feel like our world has stopped.

But it’s there.  The Goodness and Mercy.  It’s always there.  I just have to look a lot harder right now to find it.  The first week, when Hubby was 6 hours away helping his step mom and sister with the immediate aftermath and I was home with the kids, it was Proverbs.  Our church is reading through the Scriptures in a year together.  Only we didn’t start in January.  We started on Easter Sunday.  So the week that this all happened, we were in Proverbs.  Here’s what I read the first day: Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the LORD is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe.”  Wow.  I needed a fortress that day to run to.  The next day was Proverbs 20:24 “The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?”  So, instead of trying to figure out why on earth this has happened to my family, I was able to just grieve.  And be sad.  But not try to figure it all out.  Because there will never be an answer to why, so I didn’t need to spend my time trying to understand it.  Not that I am always able to stop asking why, but it has helped to keep this verse in mind.  So there is God’s Goodness and Mercy: if we had begun reading in January, we would have been in a different book of the Bible and I wouldn’t have had those verses to comfort me.  

It’s also there in the form of so many friends who were able to be there for me and provide for my kids and myself when I needed help.  It is very hard for me to ask for or accept help from others.  I like to do things on my own.  But I couldn’t this time around.  I didn’t have the strength.  So I promised that I would accept help when it was offered, and ask for help when I needed to.  I was able to truly rely on the people God placed in my life.  Friends and family brought meals, sent cards, called, texted, emailed…the list goes on.  I truly saw God’s Goodness and Mercy in them.  It seemed like just at the exact moment when I couldn’t handle the stress anymore, someone would call.  Or text.  Or send me a Facebook message.  God provided for me in so many visible ways.  I am so thankful.

So now we are one month out.  The sadness is still so evident.  When one of the kids asks where Papa is, it breaks my heart all over again.  But the Goodness and Mercy are still right there.  We were so blessed to have this man in our lives.  I am so thankful that my kids were able to know their Papa.  Yes, they are sad and hurt that he is gone.  But that says to us that they loved him and were loved by him.  And that’s what love and family are all about: We hurt because we love.  I am glad that my kids have the love of their grandparents in their lives.  I am sad that they have to learn about death so young, but we will all walk this road together.

It will be a long journey.  I sometimes wonder if we’ll ever be “over” this.  I somehow doubt it.  I think it’s changing us and I can only pray that we constantly look for the Goodness and Mercy that will be there.  We may have to search harder for it some days, but I am confident that it will be there.  And I am confident that we, as a family, will come through it stronger and closer to each other.